I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I came this close!!!!
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Going to church you guys need anything
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂