Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Hey I worked for it too!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.