HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
You Might Also Like
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
🏙👨🏼
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth