It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!