I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You Might Also Like
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Can Happiness buy money?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
the three branches of government
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…