1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The future is now.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.