GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You Might Also Like
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.