ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“I wouldn’t.”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me irl
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.