Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Worth a try
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them