On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.