I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”