Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My dog ate my work from home.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.