Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You Might Also Like
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Skills