Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
watergate? u mean a dam??
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog