Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.