There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Every house has this drawer
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun