My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Lmfao
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.