Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you