Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
You Might Also Like
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty