‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
me adding lol on a serious message
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it