Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
You Might Also Like
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
🙅🏻
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.