i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no