Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
It’s a gift