Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
peep davidson
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
plums roundup
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Netflix and you sit over there.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat