HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Perfect
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me trying to “trust the process”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.