There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.