Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
definitely did not do anything wrong
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cha-ching is my safe word
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Jesus Christ lmao
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?