no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*launders Kohls cash*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”