Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way