Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
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me and my fake scenarios
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.