mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?