I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
January has been Januweary
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
What if the weather talks about us?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Ain’t no way
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.