My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open