Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
6: are snakes just neck?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A friend helps you before you need it