tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*