Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”