5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.