My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
You Might Also Like
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.