[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭