It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Pikachu found the lost joint
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day