I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.