guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!