Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it鈥檚 a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
With all the ghosting these days you鈥檇 think there鈥檇 be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.