Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad