The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
was Jim off killing horses or…
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
🐕🍷
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.