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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika