Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.