Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You Might Also Like
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.