(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.