Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Florida be like…
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge